Why not? You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! No slurs or victim-blaming. I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. That was true for a daughter named Julia whom I interviewed extensively. She would do anything to keep him happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry. Would that be enough to make it tolerable to be with her? what happened to polish tv company; most in-demand show in the world. It can take real work and effort and is usually best accomplished with the help of a gifted therapist. I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. Was anyone there for her? Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. I have stopped looking for it from her. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. Sia Cooper, 33, became a personal trainer after losing 45lb she put on while working as a nurse. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? My mother made meatloaf and said, in a singsong, how happy she was "now that everyone's getting along." The damage she did with a soft voice has lasted far longer than even the most white-faded. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. I went through the same thing where he would yell horrible things at me and when I cried he said I was acting. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. There are several actions that could trigger this block including submitting a certain word or phrase, a SQL command or malformed data. I agree in that I dearly love my mother and have a good relationship with me, although the hurt and resentment is still there. There is no mother-and-daughter friendship. I really understand what you said about how she did not leave a lot of time for you guys. Be nice. I definitely do understand that she's a victim as well and I've seen what she's gone through. You see no shame in letting me know that I am not good enough for you. She could have done better. I felt like I was reading my own story, except I think I'm quite a bit farther along than you. You can email the site owner to let them know you were blocked. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. And I was never allowed to forget it. 4 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. I am glad he is dead. Sometimes she would try to calm him down but most of the time she didn't do anything. When she called me evil and bad, she didn't care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. That was as damaging in the end as my mothers sniping.. Hearing about their unsupportive mothers triggered me as I thought about my own. But she acted like we were a normal, happy family. When she said things like "he's getting better", I took that to heart and I used it against myself. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. Thank you for your comment though, it is appreciated. 1. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS. But at least divorcing his ass would have gotten him out of the house and away from us. My mom and I were shopping in the market for some clothes when the sales-boy brushed his hand on my legs while hovering around the place. You are both cowards. In my case, it is my mother. You dont see your granddaughters enough. When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. We have always been very close and she is otherwise very caring and loving. I dont want to talk about the weather or my cousins wedding. ainslie enoteca e birreria; sharp aquos 70 inch tv weight; knowledge graph github You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. Call law enforcement.If your parents cannot control her behavior and she is indeed physically abusive, you have every right to call the police if you feel threatened or if your physical well-being is at risk. . Why are you getting this message? Need info or resources? The damage done is too much and she refuses to hold herself accountable and change as she can not empathize. Have you talked to your mom about how you feel? My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. Fuck us kids, right? Enablers become that way for a host of different reasons but usually its out of a misguided sense of caretaking, also known as codependency. I have similar feelings. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. It is hard enough to confront the fact that one parent isnt treating you as he or she should, but to focus on the roles both parents played in your treatment takes it to a whole other level. Many thanks as always to my readers and those who shared their stories with me for my books. even when they realize the damage she is doing. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1','ezslot_7',129,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1-0'); Of course, the opposite is true. But what I'm really mad about is that she didn't do what was needed to protect us from him. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. She never let an opportunity go by to put me down or, alternatively, ignore me. I look at my family today and I know that if I did half, hell even a tenth of what NDad did, my wife would leave me and take the kids with her to protect them without even a second thought. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and She has very little to do with our mother and skips family visits and takes Dad out on her own. I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. It just hurts. Yes they are huge steps for me and I know that you understand! I could never forgive her for it. What Is Worse Than Sexual Abuse By Your Mother? Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. She doesnt want to feel obliterated, so she wants to be right. She stuck with him until I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer's in her late 50's. Coming to terms with the less obvious damage. And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. My career hasnt progressed in the way you wanted it to. "My mother is my father's staunchest defender. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie, The Wizard of Oz. An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. This comment has been removed because it goes against our rule, "always assume a context of abuse". She lives far away and seldom calls me, and when she does, she talks about superficial things. , Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. That is a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who had believed that her issue was with her father until she began to read my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. You called my child naughty. You don't owe them anything. Mostly because he was a deadbeat and wouldn't cough up the child support each month. Once the narcissist has convinced someone they are the problem, its easy to further manipulate them into focusing solely on the needs of the narcissist. Her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage. In a weird way, I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing than I am with him for doing something. That was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now 60: I think my dad loved me in a way, but he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. Its not at all uncommon for children of narcissists to be trauma-bonded. I must have pushed it all to the back of my mind. Your thoughts?. My house isnt good enough. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a narcissistic mother to abuse her children even when they realize the damage she is doing. You have never stood up for me. Also, I love my mom sooooo much, she is my best friend but it does get difficult navigating the resentful feelings because they sneak up on me when I think about the past and I get confused how to respond to those feelings. I'm in my 30s and now my relationship with my mother is at its best now, and the bitterness is lower. This was not justice. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear. And how that ties into this? 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. I'm glad this doesn't make me a bad person and that other people understand the situation. Theres nothing passive about standing by and watching your husband abuse your children. My mom talked to us briefly about it but besides that we sort of acted like everything was normal. And that's ok. It was only when I got into therapy that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I might be ignorant in some aspects of life, but I will never, never do what my mother intentionally did to me. Performance & security by Cloudflare. If I messed up, shed go on and on how I was a failure. Letter to my mother who didnt protect me. Why did he exclusively target me over her? I'm mad that she died and he lived. Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. How Do You Know If Your Mother Is Emotionally Abusive? This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). I will love everything about them. Trauma bond. I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! Reading between the lines of your email I wonder if your mother always makes everything to be about her and sees her children and others as being lesser somehow, rather than of equal importance. Confused about acronyms or terminology? I'll work on it, for sure. I know I said this, but I truly, honestly relate to your description of your mother. The appellations of good or bad mother are never helpful. Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts. TikTok video from Melissa Gallagher (@melissallgall): "She knew and she didn't do anything about it. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. I want the resentment to go away but Im not sure how to let it go. However, I dont understand a number of neglectful decisions she made, including leaving one or all of us in the care of unknown adults or, worse, adults who were suspected of abusive behaviour, for overnight stays. 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